Found: 27: Never Forgotten.

Hi guys! Nothing much to say besides just reminding you guys that I start school on Tuesday. So don't be surprised if I don't post for a day or two because I will have school and a, you know, life?! Lol. But here you go!

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Chapter 27:

November 9th, 2012

11:00am

 

I squinted my eyes open and looked around a darkened room. The curtains were closed and no sun was shining through like usual. A nightlight, which I think was mine, dimly shined and it was blinking from being in need of new batteries for so long. I rubbed my eyes and jolts of pain shot through my wrists. I quickly grabbed both of them and stopped any movement. The light in the bedroom turned on and I shot my eyes over to the door where Justin stood. We were on the tour bus and I was in me and Justin’s bed. Memories from last night (or should I say this morning) flooded back into my mind like crazy. He leaned against the wooden doorway and I had no idea what to do, or say. I parted my lips to speak, but he stopped me by speaking before.

“Why did you try to kill yourself last night?” he asked.

His eyes looked glossy as tears placed themselves neatly in them. I could see him holding it back hard, with all of his strength. My eyes immediately started tearing up as I stared into his and I looked away and towards the closed window.

“You told me to be happy.” My voice cracked.

Tears fell to my cheeks and my silent cries finally found their voice. I swung my legs from under the covers and dangled them over the side of the bed, still not being able to touch the floor. Justin strode across the room and sat next to me, putting his arms around me and holding me while I cried once again.

“And that was the only way.” I sobbed.

He had no words for a few minutes; we just sat in our room while he listened to me cry. I was so used to crying now; it seemed to come easy to me. I felt his arms squeeze me and I somehow felt comfort.

“Listen, you’re with me now and everything will go back to normal, alright? Me and you will go back on tour and you never have to leave my side. Your mom is refusing to let us help, so we can’t do anything there. All we could do was take you away from there and make sure you’re safe.”

I licked my lips and quietly nodded. He kissed my forehead and we sat there for a few minutes. He continued to tell me that my bags were already packed and we were on our way to the next tour stop which was in East Rutherford in New Jersey.

Justin left the room and I stood around thinking.

I didn’t understand why everyone suddenly hated me once again, but I guess it didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t understand why everyone left me, but I guess that didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t understand why my mom had suddenly became that monster, but I guess nothing mattered anymore.

I went into the tour bus living room and everything settled down yet I still didn’t talk once. Justin sat next to me, but we had no contact at all. Scooter was sitting across from me and just staring into space. Fredo, Za, and Twist were just scattered around too, but no one talked, at least for a while.

Scooter broke the silence with five little words that infuriated me, “(YN), you’re not alone in this.”

I stared at him with anger in my eyes. Just as I thought all of my tears had been gone and dried up, I realized that there were still more. I shook my head and stood up, pointing my finger at him as I spoke to him.

“Don’t tell me I’m not alone, don’t you dare, because at 3:27am on a Friday morning when I’m smothered in my darkness with heavy thoughts and what-ifs clutching my tear stained pillow I sit up and look around the room to see that the only person here is me. The only person who understands is me. The only person who hears the cries is me. Don’t tell me I’m not alone because that is false. You’re not the one engulfed in sadness, it’s me. And I’m so alone.”

He sat back staring into my eyes and I stared into his. Everyone in the room had eyes on us and I looked around to see it. I ran back into our room and slammed the door moving over to the wall and falling to the ground leaning against it. I couldn’t cry thought, not like usual. I didn’t have the strength to even do that. I was sore, sad, and broken. The door cracked open and Justin walked in I stood quickly and began explaining myself.

“I’m sorry for freaking out like that it’s just-“

“You don’t need to apologize. We all understand, even though you don’t think we do. And we’re here to help you with anything you need, okay? We just want you to get better.”

It took me a few seconds, but soon I hugged him and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, not letting go. He held me back and we stood for a few seconds before we walked back out to sit down with the rest of the boys. I apologized to Scooter multiple times and he accepted them luckily.

We sat around and just talked while we watched TV and some movies. I finally was close to Justin as I laid down with him on the couch. I felt safe for once in a while, and it felt good. I checked my phone and my twitter and replied to some people. My fans literally thought I died because I hadn’t posted in such a long time; it was kind of funny actually. I reassured them that I was still alive and I posted a picture on Instagram of me with everyone on the bus.

Soon enough, we arrived in NJ and it was already show time. It got late quickly and we were already behind on time. We walked into the arena after the bus was parked and I followed Justin on stage.

“Okay, quick soundcheck guys.” Scrappy yelled as he threw us mics.

Justin looked at me and then looked over to Cody who had just run on stage and caught his own microphone. He seemed confused, and I knew exactly why.

“You’re going to do this tonight? Even after everything that happened?” Justin asked quietly, dropping his hands by his sides.

“The show must go on.” I breathed out.

The music began for us to just mess around for a few minutes and practice, but Justin ran over to me and wrapped his arms around me. I was shocked, but I willingly hugged him back after a few seconds.

“I love you so much.” He whispered in my ear before pulling away.

I smiled and bit my lip as he walked backwards, singing into his microphone. I joined him and all three of us sang together. Our voices sounded great together, and that’s why I loved doing soundchecks.

After that was over, we had to go to our separate dressing rooms and get all of our stuff done. I sat and thought about why I was doing this tonight. I was doing it for Justin, because I could tell that he was literally doing everything for me to just keep me happy, even though he had his own problems right now that I’d never understand. He didn’t like talking about what happened September 26th, 2012, because it was one of the worst days of his life. That’s why I don’t talk, or even think about it much. He’s been putting on this tough act lately, acting like everything’s okay, when most of us know it’s not. He won’t talk about what happened to anyone, not even Pattie. It was heartbreaking, and throughout all of this I was feeling really selfish. I needed to start helping him, instead of feeling sorry for myself. I was done.

I finished my duet with Justin and blew kisses to the crowd and waved as I walked off of the stage. Justin winked and I laughed and ran off the stage. I was feeling happy, for the first time since I left. I undressed and put comfortable clothes on and waited for Justin to finish the concert with a bang, which he did as always. He came running off of the stage and into my arms, picking me up and spinning me around in the air. I laughed and he set me down after a minute.

“I can’t believe you did that tonight, you really are strong.” He said as he rested his forehead on mine, wrapping his arms around my waist.

“Justin, you’re the one who’s strong, thank you.”

He seemed confused as I kissed him, but I was okay with that. We eventually found our way back on the tour bus and to the next stop and got settled in. I called Selena, who had been worried sick, and explained everything to her. She said she felt relief and after getting off of the phone with her, I brought Justin into the other room to talk to him. He had no idea that this was coming, but I had to speak up.

“Justin, I know you hate to talk about this, but I need you to please tell me why you’re doing this-“

He stood up and tried leaving the room, but I leaned against the door and stopped him, trying to push him back. He was much stronger than me, but he still didn’t push back. He sat back down and looked at the ground, not making any eye contact whatsoever.

“Why I’m doing what?” he said quietly.

“Putting on this happy act and trying to help everyone else. I mean, it’s amazing how unselfish you are. But at the same time, I’m starting to hate it. You never take time for yourself Justin, so now I’m letting you. Talk to me about her, please.”

I stood in front of him, just a few feet away. I thought maybe I’d sit next to him and hug him, but instead, he stood up and put his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder and speaking into the crook of my neck.

“I miss her so much, that it’s hard to talk about her. I don’t know what to do sometimes, to just get my emotions out for once. I don’t want to look weak, because then people will start to believe that I really am. Avalanna really brought my soft side out and it was like losing your best friend.”

I thought about Tyler and I knew exactly how he was feeling. The feeling of losing your best friend is horrible. I couldn’t explain it myself, because it’s that bad. I guess I never really lost Tyler, but he definitely wasn’t coming back anytime soon.

“We all miss her, and I’m so sorry. You can tell me anything Justin, you know that right?”

“That’s why I love you.”

I smiled and he pushed away still holding me. I kissed his cheek and we laid down together. I started talking about Avalanna and reminding him of all of the good times and he was so smiley. I never knew how much he loved her, but it was more than I’d ever understand. And I knew that he’d never forget someone as special as her.

“You know, she’s in a better place now so I’m actually happy. My tears won’t bring her back either way.” Justin breathed out.

“I’m glad that you’re happy, it helps with me being happy.”

He smiled and grabbed me, pulling me closer. I laughed and somehow I ended on top of him. I couldn’t help but laugh some more as my messy hair fell to one side next to his head. He leaned up and pressed his lips against mine, which seemed to release some of the pain that I was feeling. Not all of it, but pretty damn close.

“How do you do this to me?” Justin asked.

“Do what?” I giggled.

“You make me so happy, even in my worst times. No one’s ever done that.”

“I guess I’m one of a kind, right?”

He nodded before pressing his lips against mine one last time to end a night that wouldn’t be forgotten.